Episode 3: “Call Me a Sporty Giant”

Intro:

You won’t hear me argue that I shouldn’t have lost. Did 80% of my originally drafted team land on IR just as the season was getting contentious? Yes, but you won’t see me throwing out excuses. Did I rank 5 of 12 in Points For (per game and total) but 12 of 12 in Points Allowed (something completely outside of my control)? Yes, but it's important to own your failures. I deserved to lose. The only thing I watched less than TV this past year was football. I made lineup decisions entirely based on ESPN’s projected scores. In a coup de maître of flag-throwing, Karma penalized the deserving victim. However, any unbiased eye can see she has gone too far in the degree of punitive action. This sacko is the model for retributive injustice and any legitimate court would heed an appeal. I’ve spent more time this week watching and writing about Call Me Kat than preparing materials for a board meeting and 1:1s with my team. Egregiously disproportionate discipline unbefitting the crime. This is a KANGAROO COURT! KANGAROO COURT!! If you’re reading this and reside in an equitable league of fantasy footballers offering exile, SOS airlift me tf out of this madness.

Episode Recap:

We open to Randi and Kat sporting pajamas, dancing and singing karaoke into wooden spoons.

I count my blessings every day.

Kat proposes they put their masterpiece on TikTok. She excitedly reveals grand plans to make popcorn, watch a movie, and have a pillow fight. Randi looks less than pleased about the night’s relentless festivities.

We cut to Randi and Phil. Randi complains about life as Kat’s roommate and how she can’t wait to have her own place with a bed.

Kat descends the stairs into the cafe (I guess she lives above the cafe?) holding a cone-wearing cat, energetically singing a song about holding a cone-wearing cat..

Randi is visibly moody from Kat’s over the top energy and abruptly exits scene. Kat asks Phil why Randi seems off and he says that her back is sore from sleeping on the couch.

We cut to Max and Carter. They decide that the bar is lacking a go-to bourbon.

What I would give to trade this post-writing for needing to find the ideal bourbon as my problem of the day.

Randi walks in and asks Carter if she can stay over a 3rd night this week (she has a 2 night rule) in order to avoid another night at Kat’s. When she leaves, Max starts to share how he wishes he was in a relationship.

We cut to Kat and Randi wearing blindfolds at Kat’s place. When they remove their blindfolds it is revealed that Kat has replaced the couch with a new couch that has a pullout mattress. Randi is fuming. Apparently she had $2,000 in cash stored in the old couch, an “escape fund” dedicated to helping her move out.

After some feuding about the misunderstanding and the deeper problem of Kat’s level of perkiness, they decide to visit the thrift store to recoup Randi’s money.

Cut to Max, Carter, and Phil doing a bourbon tasting at the bar. They’ve selected 8 different types of bourbon, with the goal of rating each on a scale of 1-10 to help select their favorite. Carter says they “need to take this seriously”. We unsurprisingly cut to them being very drunk.

Max is once again talking about how he wants to be in a relationship, before the conversation shifts to Phil. Phil says he’s interested in a biker that frequents the cafe. He thinks the biker is out of his league. Carter suggests Phil ask him out on a mountain biking date, and Phil confesses that he doesn’t know how to ride a bike. He shares a personal anecdote about how his dad was going to teach him but decided not to when Phil said he wanted to use his sister’s pink bicycle. Max and Carter decide to teach Phil how to ride a bike.

If you’re wondering why my internal reflections have slowly dwindled in number, it’s because my subconscious is looking out for me and allocating less internal reflection bandwidth to these assignments.

We cut to Randi and Kat at the thrift store. The couch has already been sold to another buyer. Kat and Rnadi continue their feud and Kat says Randi isn’t the easiest person to live with either.

High tensions, a cat-fight looms (hehe).

The thrift store operator shares the address of the new couch owner in an attempt to get rid of Kat and Randi.

That lucky bastard, making it look easy.

We cut to Max and Carter teaching Phil how to ride a bike. They discuss their different experiences learning how to ride a bike as part of a broader conversation about their vastly different childhoods. Meanwhile Phil loses control on the bike and crashes.

Today we’re getting McDonalds AND Tide commercials. Back to back no less. It's the little things in life.

Cut to Kat’s mom driving Phil, Carter, and Max to hospital. Phil is sad that he can neither ride a bike nor find love. He talks about how difficult it is to find a partner as an old gay man, but Kat’s mom is having none of it. She advises that he simply try and if it doesn’t work out to use the mantra, “thank you, next”.

Oh boy, we thought this story arc was about teaching Phil how to ride a bike, but it’s actually about teaching Phil how to put himself out there. Both require elements of finesse, directed steering, knowing when to stop, and a leap of faith to graduate from training wheels.

Cut to an AA-style grief meeting taking place on Kat’s old couch. Kat and Randi walk in, and one of the group members asks if they want to join.

Cut to Max, Carter, and Kat’s mom waiting at the hospital. Phil comes out on crutches with an attractive nurse closely behind. Phil says they’re going on a date. “Got a no from the doctor, got a no from the radiologist, but kept saying ‘thank you, next’ until Nelson said yes.”

Cut back to the grief meeting. It’s Kat’s turn to share. At first she says she has nothing to share but then quickly yields into a personal narrative about losing her dad a year ago. She bears guilt about the time he asked her to play Hungry Hungry Hippos and she said no. Two days later he passed away. That’s why she tries so hard to make the most of every moment. Randi apologizes for not being more grateful and understanding. Kat apologizes for being so perky all the time. Kat asks if they can get a group hug, and when everyone rises, Randi grabs the cash-filled pillow from the couch and runs out.

Life is unpredictable, so make the most of every moment with the people you love. But also, life is unpredictable, so if you don’t feel like you make the most of every moment with the people you love, don’t be so hard on yourself. Trying to maneuver our existence around twists and turns that are orders of magnitude more complex than our capacity is a recipe for despair.

We cut to Phil riding a pink bicycle with training wheels and a unicorn helmet.

The full cast joins him while waving at the camera, laughing, and dancing.

Memorable Quote:

N/a

Episode Score: 4/10

Takeaways:

• I’ll take a Tide commercial over CMK any day.

• I’d also take any sacko from our fantasy football group’s historicals than writing about CMK any day.